Fucking Zubat!!

You know eventually I'l come around to making a list of the most ANNOYING video games villains of all time but i'd like to take this moment to point out one that has bugged me for many years...

FUCKING ZUBAT!

That useless cave dwelling bastard has been tripping me up since Red and Blue!
If you don't know what i'm talking about, Zubat is a Posion/flying type Pokemon who has been around since the original generation.

What makes Zubat SO unbelievably annoying are the following 3 things:

1 It's encountered in caves and usually by the time you're half way through a cave you've run out of potions and super potions meaning that healing is impossible, this in itself wouldn't be a problem if it wasn't for annoyance 2...

2. You usually encounter Zubat at a simmer level as your lead Pokemon meaning that often times when you try to 'run from battle' it wont let you....that's right, this tiny pipsqueak of a pokemon has some how managed to trap you and the fire breathing salamander you travel with...the two of you are UNABLE to escape the wrath of this winged vermin. Prehaps the most annoying thing about this fact is that after a failed attempt to run away zubat gets a free turn to attack to which leads to the 3rd and most frustrating annoyance...

3. FUCKING SUPERSONIC! See despite it's prevalence and ability to somehow trap Pokemon twice it's GOD DAMN size, the most annoying thing about Zubat is that it doesn't 'actually' hurt you. see it's so weak that it's really not a major threat in anyway, however what it DOES do is perform a CHEAP and DELIBERATELY FRUSTRATING move known as supersonic which confuses your Pokemon, meaning that for 2-5 turns your own pokemon will have a 50% chance of attacking ITSELF!
Now of course as Murphy's law will dictate "when you have a 50% chance of something going wrong then it'll go wrong 90% of the time"
So you're stuck there watching your beloved Charmander hit itself for 4 consecutive turns!

And when you finally stop attacking yourself and nail that sucka with a flamethrower you can finally move on...
So you leave the battle
You take another 4 steps forward...
THEN GUESS WHAT!? It's another FUCKING ZUBAT!!!!!

And the cycle continues....
This goes out to you Zubat....you supersonic son of a bitch...

10 things Video games taught me about women...

You know, often times I’m stopped on the street by one of my thousands upon thousands of admires and asked ‘how is it you are so good with the ladies chad?’

I then swiftly turn to them and reply ‘Video games my boy’ everything I learned about women I learned through Video games….
Allow me to share these 10 SUREFIRE tips to help you find the real world girl of your virtual dreams…


Lesson 1: good looks are one thing, but women like a man who can kill things, preferably with swords equal to or twice the size of their own body.



Lesson 2: If Rpg’s have taught me anything its that every attractive woman in the Game world will find you attractive so long as you are either

A. a bright eyed young hero who believes in the over all good of mankind
or
B. a brooding lone wolf who believes friendship is an illusion and emotions only lead to later pain(physical scars are a definite plus)



Lesson 3: Women like to be treated like the helpless damsels in distress they really are. If at any point a woman runs off with determination and attempts to do something on her own, rest assured she will later need your help to bail her out regardless of how skilled she was prior meeting you.



Lesson 4: If you ever come across a female who is un attractive, chances are she’s either evil or not important to the plot (feel free to ignore her and not exercise your dialogue options.)

Lesson 5: However, if you come across a female who IS attractive then chances are she’s either a hero or is an evil henchman who will eventually attempt to seduce you (either way it’s win-win baby!)



Lesson 6: Women love it when you stand up to their dad…



Lesson 7: The love of your life will probably be Japanese.



Lesson 8: If (hypothetically) you should ever come across an Alien species with two legs then chances are sexual relations are possible so go for it! (bonus points if she’s blue)



Lesson 9: If a woman ever seems to dislike you when you first meet…perhaps dislikes your loose morals, or finds you naive then chances are she will fall madly in love with you in approximately 8-30 hours time (so hang in there)



Lesson 10: When scouting a room full of many different women and trying to decide who to introduce yourself to. Pick the one with the most inappropriate, highly revealing, borderline slutty outfit, because chances are she’s willing to join your party.

Game Trailers: The Good, The Bad, The weird (part 3)

Video Game trailers are the ‘shit!’ for us online content junkies. Id say most game enthusiasts make their decisions about what games to buy based on 4 factors.

1. Is this like anything I played before?
2. What do the reviewers say
3. How ‘cool’ does it look

Now the first two are pretty much dependant on the player and the reviewers respectively but as for the third, that’s where the developers and the marketers have to bust their asses.

Now over the past two days i'v looked at some of the Best and Worst trailers out there but today I take a look at some of the ‘weirdest’.
The ones that make you ask ‘WTF?’
See a weird trailer by definition makes you think about it, which is ultimately a good thing. So let’s take a peek at some of the strangest and most unconventional trailers around.

God Hand



This Game LIVES for what writers call ‘Big lipped alligator moments’ (BLAM for short) which are moments so random, so out of place that you cant help but laugh (think family guy humour).
This trailer works simply because you can’t help but love what you see, the random cartoon violence, the weird characters, It’s all just….well….BLAM.



Heavy Rain



On the completely different end of the spectrum this heavy rain trailer is more of a demonstration of its storytelling.
Using a fake audition as a backdrop, this trailer shows how the games writers are able to draw an emotional response out of the audience.
Voice actress Aurélie Bancilhon gives an excellent performance and helps demonstrate the tone of story telling the game is aiming for.
“Simply put, if you felt that scene you’ll feel our game.”


Catherine



They don’t come much weirder than that ladies and gentlemen. This trailer is all about style over substance. Nothing is shown or expressed about ‘actual’ gameplay much like the heavy rain trailer, however, it’s surreal tone and dynamic art style are on full display. Again this trailers appeal is very much based on you opinion of its direction ‘If you like what you see, you’ll like this game’ add to that the old adage that ‘Sex sells’ and its no wonder that this game has already garnered some buzz despite the fact we know next to nothing about it.

(Then again with the Persona series on your track record we can always expect they’ll produce something special with a capital X)

Game Trailers: The Good, The Bad, The weird (part 2)

Yesterday I took a look at some of the best video game trailers to hit the Interweb over the past couple of months.
They were trailers that showed Humour, Style, creativity or were generally just Bad-Ass, now we’re going to take a look at some which are just Ass Bad (see what I did there?)
Lets start with one which I hold close to my heart….

Smackdown Vs Raw 2011

Before I go into how and why this trailer sucks allow me to say just one thing.

I used to LOVE the Smackdown games, they were far from perfect, they had their problems but I used to love them regardless (something about hitting a guy in the head with a steel chair….)

But as the iterations went on the developers at Yukes seemed to be quickly running out of ideas. Recycling most animations, adding very little and in some cases, simply removing and restricting certain features however, this is a rant for another posting.

This is about the generic nature of this trailer. Answer me this, what new features have they added this year that’s different from the last? What is it about this game that separates it from it’s ‘Combat sports’ rivals?

See, with an annualised sports game you NEED to show how the game has improved.
A game like this is played for it’s core mechanics (and in wrestling’s case also it’s story…if you can call it that)
But this trailer highlights none of those aspects. If you can’t show me why this game is better than the last then I have no real reason to go out and buy it beyond roster updates
But if roster updates are all a person needs in order to buy the game then they’re probably going to buy it regardless! So this trailer shouldn’t be aimed at them. It should be aimed at people who have never touched a Smackdown game or better yet people like ME who USED to like them but have fallen off because of a lack of innovation!

I Know I’m ranting right now but with such a generic trailer you cant help but think ‘This is a waste of time’ a waste of time for the person who made it, a waste of time for the person who uploaded, and a waste of time for the person watching it. Compare and contrast to the new “Fifa 11” trailer which even if you have no knowledge or Interest in soccer you could easily pick out the mechanics that will make that game special.

Power Gig: Rise of the six string

Jesus F Christ! You know, FORGET Batman, this guy could probably defeat the joker simply by DEPRESSING HIM TO DEATH. It’s as if he’s auditioning to be a ‘Before’ model for mood enhancers.
You see Excitement is contagious, an a distinct lack of excitement is as noticeable as a hooker in a nunnery!

Simply put, if the person behind a game can barely show any enthusiasm while TALKING about it, then chances are we aren’t going to be all that enthusiastic while playing it >.<

Compare and contrast with the developer diaries from Alpha protocol.

Dead To Rights: Retribution

Trailers like this one might have worked back in the mid 90’s but simply put ‘That shit wont fly today’. A lifeless montage of action hero moments won’t interest ANYONE today.
When you consider the acrobatic nature of Assasins Creed, The Brutality of God of War and the dramatic set pieces of Uncharted, this entire trailer comes of as down right FLAT. Did you notice how the most interesting pieces of that trailer were the dog? Because we haven’t seen an action dog like that before.

My point with this pick and perhaps this whole article is that a good trailer makes a viewer want to fill in the gaps.
when you show something we HAVENT seen before we want to know more, weather its some of the new features within the game, or some new High-concept for a story etc. however if what you show is predictable or Dull then our interest instantly disappears.


Tomorrow I take a personal look at some of the ‘Weirdest’ game trailers to hit the web and show how sometimes weird is wonderful and other times….well…other times it’s not.

Game Trailers: The Good, The Bad, The weird (part 1)

The art of a video game trailer is a delicate one. Promise too much and viewers probably won’t trust what they see. Show too little and risk not impressing the viewer at all. But if you can get it ‘just right’ a video game trailer can INSTANTLY increase interest, start an online buzz and turn a would be flop into a sleeper hit.

Over the next couple of days I’ll be looking at some of the best, worst and weirdest game trailers of recent months and giving a brief breakdown of why they work (or don’t).

Today we start with the best.

Note: This isn’t about how good the game actually was/is, it’s about how good the trailer makes the game look….just thought I should mention that seeing as we all know a great trailer isn’t always attached to a great product.

Alpha Protocol:

The railer Manages to Convey the Games major dynamic and key selling point ‘options are your weapon’. This trailer could have simply taken the a page out of the “Bourne” playbook and just shown a generic hero kicking, punching, shooting and bombing his way out/into a building. Instead the trailer focused on what this game is good at “Giving player’s diverse choices in tense situations”. By highlighting the radically different options a player could “Hypothetically” have it gives us a sweet smell of what this game is cooking. Add to that some clever, Genre savvy dialogue and a clean CGI presentation and this trailer defiantly got people talking about its product….shame it wasn’t as great as it looked.

Super Street Fighter 4:

Following the success of Street Fighter 4 Capcom set to release what was ultimately an expansion pack, boasting new characters, new modes, new stages and a few balances tweaks for the pros. However with this ‘pack’ coming out just over a year after the initial release, It was gonna be a struggle to convince players who already paid full retail price to dip back into their wallets for some more of the same.

In order for this to work Capcom would NEED to show gamers that the new additions were worth it and this trailer does just that.

Using high Pace editing, Pulsing background music as well as making sure to show off the each of the characters best and most outlandish moves, this trailer is simply a lot of fun to ‘watch’ and when gameplay looks fun to watch, you’ve got a winner.

Mad Moxxi’s Underdome riot:

There isn’t really much needed to be said. It’s a funny stylish trailer which separates it from the typical testosterone filled shooters on the market.

It’s a trailer that would simply make you at least want to find out more. In a way it’s as seductive as Mad Moxxi herself, In fact maybe she wanted me to put this on my list…perhaps she’s in my head….perhaps I should stop typing my thoughts now.

Deus Ex: Human Revolution

Ok. Much like James Cameron’s ‘Avatar’ this trailer is generic yet excellently executed which is why it makes the list. It follows a classic Hollywood template, I.E having a character scowl as he narrates over a montage of dramatic events, HOWEVER what makes this trailer stand out where many others don’t is that what it shows is genuinely interesting in its own right.

The yellowy gold lighting filter gives the whole thing a cool look, the Blade Runner/fifth element style city looks not only gorgeous but well designed, the panic on the streets looks almost tangible and all in all you can see for yourself the environment you (the player) will be thrown into and can already kind of feel the issues that might arise. See we KNOW the game wont look that good but if that’s the tempo, the feel and the direction they’re going in then we know we like it!

Long story short it paints a world you’d like to inhabit (even if its only for a couple hours at a time) Couple that with the stylish bionic man tech, matrix inspired fight scenes and Predator style Stealth gear, this trailer instantly appeals to anyone with even a casual interest in Sci-Fi (which by the way many….or dare I say MOST gamers are.)

An honourable mention goes out to Bayonetta, Star wars the old republic (A MUST see) and the new Dragon Age 2 trailer. All of which deserve to be on the list.

Come back tomorrow for a look at the Bad and the REALLY bad video game trailers out there…

Unsung Heroes Of Video Games #3: Rival Schools (Gorin High)

Rival Schools is just one of those games that we 90’s gamers all just seem to remember.
We don’t know how, we don’t know why, all we know is that we do and that it was AWESOME!

1998’s “Rival Schools” for the Playstation One was a classic example of Capcom’s outlandish character design.
Based around a small network of Japanese high schools this pseudo-legendry Fighting game managed to grab the imaginations of gamers world wide.
However, unlike the Street Fighter, Mega Man and even Bionic Commando franchises, we’ve yet to see a revival and repackaging of Rival Schools. In fact the only character to even make an appearance outside of the two games is ‘Batsu’ (Capcom Vs Tatsunoko) .

But BATSU SUCKED! At least he wasn’t the coolest. The characters who really stood out were the Bad Boy athletes from Gorin High.
Soccer prodigy “Roberto Miura” (Left) and Baseball Star “Shoma Sawamura” (Right) are prehaps the amongst the most intresting charecters in Capcoms backbench.

Much like the other charecters on My list, these two could probably populate their own game.
A sports based fighter has always been intresting (See ‘Madden Kombat’) and it’d be kinda fun seeing just what these two get up to.
Regardless These guys are two people that are just TOO COOL to be left in the Video game history books which is why they earn a place on the list.

Unsung Heroes OF Video Games #2 Knuckles The Echidna

Sonic The Hedgehog died a long time ago. Sure they release a new one every couple of years and yes the handheld version usually tend to be passable but lets face the facts people! That lovable blue basted will never be the landmark in gaming he once was ever, ever, EVER again….however…

There is hope for his heavy punching side kick….
Knuckles was first introduced as a character in 1994’s “Sonic The Hedgehog” 3 for the Sega Megadrive (Genesis).
In the later release (aptly named) “Sonic and Knuckles”, Knuckles introduced an interesting new dynamic to the High speed and precision jump based Platformer.
His Ability to climb up flat surfaces using his sharpened knuckles allowed him to access certain areas that our spiky speed demon couldn’t possibly dream off, a simple mechanic with as much potential now as it did then…

The Sonic the hedgehog formula of the past clearly no longer works in 3D. It’s impossible to maintain the high octane, nosebleed inducing speed and present sufficient obstacles for a player to evade and/or destroy all while maintaining momentum.

The beauty of Knuckles is that as a character he is a more reliable avatar within the world of sonic. He’s fast but not sonic fast, his ability to glide as well as climb can create perfect a second style of challenge. Instead of simply telling the player to run from A to B asap, the player can also be asked to explore a level fully. His ability to climb gives access to vertical level design, so instead of creating a single linier track for sonic to charge down, you instead give knuckles a small sandbox for each stage, charging him to find something, get somewhere fast OR just kick a particular dudes ass.

Knuckles has also always been one of the more edgy (if you can call him that…) characters in the Sonic Universe and is a relatively recognisable (and more importantly marketable) character in his own right.
It’s not really hard to Imagine Knuckles in a Ratchet and Clank style environment…I mean his skills fit right in!
So this goes out to my main man Knuckles the coolest thing to come out of the sonic franchise since Sonic the Hedghog 2

Didn’t I save this village already?

So I was playing through Crackdown 2 the other day and thinking about the mind meltingly pathetic story that had been puked up before me when my ego decided to have conversation with the rest of my brain. This is what he said.

“You know, between the countless rural villages you’ve saved, the space stations you’ve defended, the creatures you’ve beheaded and the devils you’ve made cry you’d think that god himself would be compelled to pay you a visit and say ‘well done.’ Then give you a big pat on the back like the awesome son he always wanted.”

And you know what? My ego was absolutely right. In pretty much every video game with a running fictional narrative it seems as though the entire stinking planet was at stake. It’s happened so much now that saving the world really isn’t a big deal anymore.
“No pressure (insert “hero” name here) But if you fail this mission your enemy will come closer to taking over/destroying/demonically redecorating the world!
Then again it doesn’t matter if you do fail because we’ll just pick you back up and make you try again….(notice I said ‘make you’ as opposed to ‘let you’) and even when you DO succeed the plot will be such that our villain will eventually get closer to his diabolical plan anyway until the grand finale.

You see my major gripe with video game stories isn’t the dialogue because after all that can be fixed and game writers are slowly getting better at it all the time…
It’s not characterisation and character design because we’ve seen it come a long way since the early days. The real problem is ‘Theme’

Drama has been described as ‘The art of making people worry’.
Creating a character we like, giving him/her a goal he/she wants to achieve and placing hurdles for our protagonist to overcome.

It’s a simple formula but with near infinite possibilities, why then does the games industry stick to just a few of them? Why, when asked ‘what should we make the stakes be in this game? Do writers then say ‘why the world of course!’ *cue maniacal laughter*

Of course not every game is victim to this Saturday morning cartoon philosophy. Games like the Ace attorney series present an interesting story by giving us a lovable cast of characters and focuses on a lone attorney trying to defend his innocent clients from being wrongly accused of murder. The ‘worry’ factor comes from looking at the case yourself and thinking ‘Dude even I think you’re guilty’ I mean it always looks like a pretty open and shut case from the outset and so your only hope is to hear the witness testimony and point out anything that appears inconsistent with the evidence.

To an outsider this hardly sounds like a fun game to be playing but trust me playing as the young, naive attorney beginning to understand the TRUE circumstances behind the murder and beginning to turn up the heat in the courtroom by going on the offensive, using a witnesses own testimony against them, pointing out more contradictions, presenting your own theory about who REALLY did it and then nailing the evidence to the culprit and screaming TAKE THAT! Is all part of the appeal the game draws out dramatic tension in a way no other game in the industry currently does.

Of course as a text & sprite based adventure game on a portable platform is never going to have the wide reaching triple A marketing appeal of a gears of war. However, if we’re looking at our beloved video games industry as a media only now entering maturity and as one that might even one day be considered art. Then It’s about time writers start drawing drama from some place other than the latest episode of inspector gadget.